Days Of Future Past

Chil-ren's perspective of the Bible

Laugh Along!

Imagine yourself to be the nun (or the "Head" of the nun...MWAHAHAHA!) that is sitting at her desk grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

The following statements were written by chil-ren from a Catholic Elementary School for a test where they were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The statements have not been retouched or corrected.

Icorrect spellng has been deliberatly lfet in.


1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS. (???)

4. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

5. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

6. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

7, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS. (*ROFL)

8. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE. (Men, "listen" to you wives)

9. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY. (the first loophole in the 10 commandments)

10. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL. (I would have died too if I had to walk that far on foot...)

11. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM. (MWAHAHAHAHA!)

12. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES. (MWAHAHAHAHA X2!)

13. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES. (MWAHAHAHAHA x3!!)

14. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

15. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER. (some sort of a wise guy??)

16. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

17. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

18. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

19. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

20. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

21. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN. (BWAHAHAHAHA!)

22. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

23. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

posted by HanQiang @ 8:27 am